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Drugs, guns, and blackmail make up this episode of Riverdale

There’s just something about a show that features a bunch of sixteen year olds in crazy situations that just has us Millennials going crazy. Riverdale is a teen soap opera, but it has as much crazy as the Young and the Restless. Logic and rationality does not exist in Riverdale and it’s obvious that no one actually cares. The town of Riverdale is so extra and so over the top, that you can watch its citizens literally trash a town-staple diner and in seventy-two hours all convene to throw a party at said dinner to remember what made it, well, oh so good.

And what if the 15 year old son of the victim wants to demand that Sheriff Keystone speak to him and only to him about the case. It’s Riverdale, logic just does not exist.

The thing that I guess makes this show so great for a lot of people is that it knows its audience. This is a writer’s team that is paying attention to social media and hitting all the balls out the park. It’s not even the first ten minutes of the second episode and we already have a Hiram Lodge, played by Mark Consuelos, running around on screen in workout wear and drenched in sweat. The scene only exists to get the older audience rekindle their 90s teenage hearts and for their children to just tweet #hotdad over and over again on twitter. Hiram could go on a rant about double rainbows and the Keebler Elf and twitter would still be on fire with #hotdad.

But #hotdads aside, we can’t turn our attentions away from Riverdale’s most special citizen: Archie Andrews. If there’s anything that’s been consistent about his character, it has to be his complete and utter inability to think before he acts (or speak). Andrews took a back seat for the majority of season one, only crying about ‘muh music’ and ‘muh football’ when everyone else was trying to figure out who actually killed Jason Blossom (Jason loved football and music, by the way), but would occasionally have strokes of heroics if anyone attacked his family or friends. In season two, that characteristic has blown up to a level that, quite frankly, if no one intervenes this kid is going to end up in the hospital.

Through Archie’s paranoia and steadfast determination to protect his family from a serial killer that, for some reason, has something out for the kid, we watch him get a gun from the trigger happy, conspiracy theory, open your third eye! Dilton Doiley, and strung out on uppers by none other than resident Riverdale douchebag, Reggie Mantle. For all the complaining Mayor McCoy makes about the South Side of town, already in the first thirty minutes of this show we’ve laid witness to property vandalism, illegal gun sales, and drug deals from Riverdale’s “brightest and best”.


Other than the hot mess that is Archie Andrews’ fight against the Angel of Death, we have Jughead and Betty try to save FP Jones by the most unconventional means. Jughead runs to the Serpents and suggests breaking his dad out of prison and smuggling him up into Canada. Luckily, Sons of Anarchy extra!Serpent suggests against the inane idea and refers him to none other than Penny Peabody, who tells him that forgiveness is all it’s gonna take to get FP off. Armed with that newly found information, Betty decides to transform into Dark Betty and blackmail her cousin slash future-sister-in-law-had-Jason-not-been-killed with broadcasting their dirty family secrets out into the world.

Oh, and get the Vixens out to Pops to save the diner.

Yaaaay, two birds! One stone! Only Betty can get shit done in Riverdale!

There’s just so much going on I could just spend hours writing about it, instead, I’ll save you with a bulleted list. May episode three not disappoint and get even crazier!

Final Thoughts

  • Teenagers demanding the Mayor go to the DA to drop charges in my Riverdale? It’s more likely than you think.
  • Where did Cheryl buy that bra. That bra is amazing. Hook a girl up.
  • How many months has passed since the Jubilee? I mean, it was winter and then bam it’s the peak of summer? Okay.
  • Jingle Jangle. Pfft. I guess it’s better than Bath Salts.
  • Since when did Josie become a vixen? I thought her music was the no. 1 thing in the whole wide world.
  • I guess any excuse to get the girls in that training outfit, I guess.
  • ” I do you a favor, maybe one day you do me a favor. ” — If that wasn’t the biggest Red Herring, I don’t know what is.
  • Veronica’s parents are shit and lol. It was cool before, what gives now?
  • New Reggie looks like a Kpop star that I can’t put my finger on but it’s really gnawing at me.
  • This show needs to stop normalizing this pedophile.
  • I humbly request that showrunners of Riverdale stop destroying my childhood with these horrible covers. Kelis did not become a one-hit wonder just so her song could be destroyed like this.

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